| | Time: | 10:34 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/twotone/hamsters/creative_hammy.gif) creative |
|
| ooo-whaty do-whaty do. i have so much fun with clothes. constructing an image is more like it. i miss so many right now. have i lost them? will i recover them? i wish relationships wouldn't shift so downwardly. age-old question of "how can you go from knowing someone so well, and then become more than strangers?" well, i don't know. maybe you get ashamed at knowing someone so intimately, and having them know you, that you can't see them the same when it's all said and done. really, it makes me want to scratch at my neck and pull out my hair by the roots.
i'm fully aware that any crushes i have are really just inward attempts of mine to reconnect on some higher level. which is why, when i get into a relationship and i don't find some sort of universal plug-in, i get resentful. yes, totally aware. but also, unable to stop having crushes on goofy gangley smile toothed boys.
there's also this whole "what are you going to do?!" question that begs to be answered. i ask myself that everyday, perfect strangers ask me routinely. i don't quite know what i'll do when i graduate. here are some options, in no particular order:
1. open a used and reused colorful cat friendly bookstore in the mountains somewhere.
2. write for a magazine, preferably conduct interviews.
3. go to grad school
a. for literature-become a professor.
b. for womens studies-become a professor.
c. for law-get into the political sphere.
4. teach english for highschool.
5. teach highschool english and be a closet novelist/poet ala j.k. rowling.
6. invent something.
i could do any of those. i think.
oh- professor stark keeps appearing in my dreams. awesome. his courses this semester have been mind blowing.
going to saturday morning market! mmm florida in the fall. what an odd idea. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| it's nice to be thinking again. about things more important than what i'll be eating for my next meal. way to go brain power, i applaude you.
i've picked up the nasty habit of chain smoking into the early hours of the morning and reading too much. it's hard to sleep when i'm living all alone. can't turn this damn brain off. good ol' hamster wheel type at night. just runs over the same things. like a hungry long toothed hamster. i miss princess pretty. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | neww yawk newww yawk. awright. been here on and off for a month. started my internship at the womens shelter last week. real cool ladies. though i can't help but feeling like a naive little white girl to them because....i am. ah well. i'm doing good things for people and i take pride in that. hurray for civic duty. staying with luke and it's cool because i like him. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | fiona apple | | Time: | 11:01 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/twotone/hamsters/backflip_hammy.gif) excited |
|
| its the murphy family tour.
spent the week with maman in italy. italy is not my place. really uninspired graffiti covered everything. but had fun with the ma. drank alot of wine and had those wonderous mother daughter chats that needed to be had. i will be my mother when i grow up, though less athletic. and i'm okay with that, she's a rockn lady.
liza comes in approximately one hour.
hurray hurrah!
go to new york in 3 weeks. i'm willing time to pass quickly and pleasantly until then.
i should be finishing my paper. tradition versus religion in the works of the pre-raphaelites. riviting, i'm sure.
right on that. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| i've been in london for close to two months. and i have a little less than 2 months left. it's all well and good. i manage fine. i'm independent here in the sense that i do what i want and don't care what the others do as much. i don't like the idea of being a collective person, which is what i feel like alot of people are expecting. i don't do groups well. i like to be inconspicuous in this city, blend around, smell the smells and watch everyone. i miss having a best friend here though. there's wonderful people in the house i can talk to. and jacks here, which is lovely, except when i want to punch him for being such a loudmouth show boy. but he knows it, so its fine. but i miss having my core people. i miss annie, and blair. sarah. and luke. luke luke. we talk a bunch. i'll spend my two months before going back to eckerd with him in brooklyn. argh, it's so frustrating that i can't have him whenever i need him. which is most of the time. but at least we don't get bored by eachother with this situation.
dunno. i just feel like i can't be vulnerable here. i'm "Anne" not me. playing a part that i cut for myself, because it takes too much effort to let down the guards. oh yeah, and i drink too much. and i smoke to many roll ups, to the point my finger is nicotene stained.
oh and i'm infatuated with my art history teacher, she's lovely. we went out with beers last week and talked about life and philosophy and politics and all that jazz that makes me feel so good about knowing.
dunno the point of this entry. i just realized that my last one was 3 months ago. felt the need to share. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Time: | 12:11 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/twotone/hamsters/plain_hammy.gif) complacent |
|
| i've got long rivers and big reservoirs. been enduring sitting in hammocks and trampolines. drinking lots of wine. talking all the time. harry potter day dreams. luke related heart palipitations. frequent skinny dipping. alot of joints. fresh air and green trees. the corn is tall, and liza's taller than annie(?!) who knew. big wedding dance party last night. dancing makes me feel so good. so, so good.
i have a wonderful week coming up
wed-chris issaak
thurs-fiona apple and nickel creek
sat-virgin fest
sun-virgin fest
mon-luke pays a visit
home is so necessary for me at this moment. i need to collect my self before london, like whoah. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | barbie's back, meaning my home has turned itself back into the burnout hangout. oo nothing better than waking up to "fuck the man, man" hippies rotting away on my couch. looking at me like sick puppies when i make food. no fucking way i'm feeding them. they should get jobs and buy their own god damn food. and stop living with their parents. so that they don't have to invade my space here. ugh its obnoxious. there they are just sitting around my living room. going through my fridge. and its not like theyre bad guys, theyre just really annoying ones. that i don't like hanging out with. whatever. three more weeks. then its august, the month of going home and loving luke. i can hold out on happy till then. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| not much really, except for constant consistant over-sleeping. i go to work, and i sleep. repeat. add the occassional mediocre drunk night. alot of movies rented from the library. i can't tell if all this sleep is good or bad for me. health wise. psyche wise i don't think its helping.
what happened to my plans of living the summer in artistic hibernation? being all virginia woolf and taking my morose-ness out on pen and paper, versus pillow and blanket. laziness? nervousness? i can't reach my own expectations. and i wonder if thats because my expectationa are too high, or i just suck. i miss emory-luke and can't wait for the end of the week when we will reunite in atlanta with wilco supplying backround. sigh. well, another day of waitressing awaits me. hurray-hurrah. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | did that whole langerado thing this weekend. i would have had a better time if i wasn't feeling hampered by the whole past complications and drama whatnot being shoved in my face. nothing like tripping out and having to face the one who didn't want you. but alas. i've come to terms with it all. or i am. something. what i know is, it doesn't hurt anymore, and he's not the one i want now-a-days. lucky me has a new lovely love who knows how to remedy my eggshell self. good for me. but yes. langerado. the music was good. taj mahal was extraordinary. like flippin out style. yahoo. came to terms with the whole festy lifestyle and decided that it's really not what i need. i don't want to go to music festivals for the drugs, i'm there for the music. they get so thrown together though. road trip next weekend to DC for the antiwar protest. shall have a funny trip with harry luke trevor and lindsey in my car. HA. i'll laugh. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | not doing much in the way of things that matter. you know. like school. i'm having a fabulous time slacking off, but then i sit on my couch and feel guilty for all that i haven't accomplished. i just want to get it all together. my foggy one way brain and my scattered life. i need to do everything that needs to get done. and own up to guilt that drags me down. from homegrown always been here guilt, to swiping a sip of kellys wine when she wasnt looking tonight kind of guilt. all that guilt needs to be evacuated so i can fill that newfound empty space with things like importance and meaning. honesty and realization. must-stop making excuses for myself. i'm so good at it i almost don't want to stop. i'm happy. in every aspect of my life except myself. i can do better for me, the people around me, and the life i'm hankering for. i just need to stop perpetual dissapointment of me to me. i made all these promises when i was in zimbabwe and realizing the potential i could have if i wanted it. and i really thought i would come back all new and improved. all fucking true and clear minded. but really, i suck. and here i am complaing with a bowl in my hand when i should really be doing something worthwhile. see heres the thing. i'm all talk. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| our town. lalalala. this is preformance number four. four more to go! i'm really digging my part. its small but id like to believe that i've made it big. i'm wally webb, boy scout and slob extraordinare. its a fun cast. i hosted cast party this weekend and it was funny-i think that's the right word for it.
so yeah, life is something nice. halloween weekend turned exuberant. i did the right thing and stopped the josh thing. bear and i let nature run its course, ie drank alot of whiskey, slipped our life stories to eachother, and you know one thing leads to another. so we've been letting nature run its course now for a few weeks. its something wonderful, whenever i'm with him. and he keeps me guessing, which i do and dont like. but its good for me, god knows. we're taking it super speed slow though. good idea.
heres hoping | | comments: Leave a comment |
| same me. Breaking hearts and being a badass. hear those squealing tires? sure do like my job. it's such a good enviornment to work in. i like being surrounded by these herbs and needles. maybe i could concoct a natural hangover cure? maybe i'll stick to the earl grey for now. craving orange chicken. woke up full costume sitting on the porch avec josh this morning. by full costume i mean full on dire wolf cat. i was the best indian girl youve ever laid your eyes on. so good it might be cause for a repeat. wish i could....remember: who drove me home last night, what time i went to sleep, where my phone charger is, did i break up with josh last night and neither of us remember? i just know that i was planning on it. and drunk enough to follow through. but uh..i just don't know. him neither. unless he does, and that would be odd. wish i uhh, wasn't so lame and could stay happy with said boy. but he's so young seeming. and i'm still jonsin for bear boy. as unfortunate as that is. he wants me m'thinks. danger danger, do i smell danger? speaking of danger, adrian is coming to visit in a month or so. i should steer clear of boyfriend things. unfortunately, it seems like i cant hook up with anyone, without them becoming my day to day lover. I don't really know why it keeps working out like that either. maybe i'm just easy to relate to or something. or that thing i do with my tongue. whatever. next time anything happens with anyone-i will take it slow. i vow. i'm sick of confusing my tired heart. it pumps to no beat but my own-i vow.
fuckin sick of getting stuff taken from me. my food, my loves, my pot, MY CAMERA. inconsiderate selfish druggie assholes.
tonight-music festival: indian dire wolf cat (wengopo)
tomorrow-sarahs birthday: race car driver
sunday-french woman
monday-something
tuesday-cave woman
hurray for 5 day weekends and soft warm skin | | comments: Leave a comment |
| time to apply the soft focus, yes?
i've been doing well enough i suppose with keeping up with my work. speaking of work, i need a job. hopefully i'll be able to juggle that along with academics. and more importantly, daydreaming and socializing oh yeah did i mention the beach? eh i don't want a job! it'll be nice to have some money, and lord knows i need it. but....rawr.
i turn 19 in a mere 10 days. 90's birthday bash anyone? right-o.
love that lovely lindsey and i are such good friends now. she's a great presence to have around.
i'm all torn up about bear. just because he's alot smarter than i am. and really pretty personable freshman girl wants him bad. somehow i'm not feeling worthy and i get that knot in the pit of my chest when i think about it now. i just want to cuddle him and have him teach me things and we can talk a great philosphy over coffee. ooo 'ouldint it be lovely? (lovely?!) i just get too excited about things like this. and too sad when things arent perfect.
time to breathe and be good. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| big, harry, likes books as much as i do.
sweeeeeeet.
whata boy. finally. i hope i'm right, i'm usually not. whatev. this is fun fun. big bear.
hehehehehehe.
i'm a hula hooping demon. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| today i-
went to class, did all of my homework. i cleaned the house head to foot. if you want something done right, you've gotta do it yourself, right? then, zoomed over to tampa with lev and saw uncle john's band play. nothing like a little dead to make me feel so alive! nice girls that i always say hi to, but never chill with, were there. we shall chill, and i look forward to that.
its really good to be with these people.
i need a job.
really should get a job. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| im intensely lucky.
to be living in such a nice apartment with the friends who complete myself.
and to be able to do things like make tempura for beautiful people and always have fresh flowers and yes, play with toby the dog.
my body aches from hoola hooping madness. i made a hoop while at the beach the other day and hooped in the ocean with the pretty waves tickling my hips. in the words of beautiful lindsay......it was beautiful.
last night was fantastic and then some. sake bombs and beer pong. long. llooonnnggg talks about books. lev and ulysses skinny dipping in the bay. my party hat. all those cute gangster eastern europeans (<3). getting told i look like marlyn monroe. and of course. what night would be complete without a sunrise.
a girl could get used to living such a charmed life..... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | tough luck huh? 'nother crazy night where i'm like omg jungle juice made me so, haha. saw all my ex eckerd boy loves standng next to each other in a row. hah. cool thing is i'm fuzzy on why what where. like why...was i there? why....were they? was i......totally wierd and drunkard like? red eyes and funny talks. saw milan after g-love and that was all nothing really. for real. i dont give a shit about any boys i date yet i'm all about the hmmm what that be like? fuck this. all yelling shot time shot time! past 5 this morning. yet it....keeps getting louder. and right cuz itsa 5 am i cant turn it down. coz right i'm a buzz kill. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| big kid living now.
sarah, babrb, and i are quite the homemakers. our apartment is lovely and then more. we've been cooking nonstop. decorating like mad. clean clean cleaning. party partying. looovviinng.
good boy john came and visited for over a week and left last night. i basically suck with boys. i can't like anyone who likes me. so i dropped the friend bomb, and it was for the best.
so glad to be back in st. pete. arbor groovy grove living. we have the best neighbors in the whole world. milan pat and dane=wonderous wonderfuls. i'm happy that we'll all get to know eachother really well this year. classes start in less than a week- so it shall so it shall | | comments: Leave a comment |
| livin's easy in paducah kentucky.
just been kickin back in timmy's town. he worked tonight so sarah tarah and i explored the town solo. lucky for us, everyone's out on the town saturday night. streets were shut down, there were tap dancers and singers and balloon animals. a sweet little bluegrass band who didnt come through for us in the end. its funny here. really funny.
what changes will i set myself up with? i really need to work on that self improvement thing. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| here in memphis. making our way to kentucky in not too long. the dirty dirty in the flesh.
like memphis, like memphis folk. really like sarah and tarah. i think our kentucky trip will be something nice. tess found out about me adrian and bonnaroo. so thats been painfully awkward. shes a better gal than i am though. acting like she's ok with it. and then seeing us sit next to each other and looking like tears are gonna spill over her little shakey chin. it's messy. but everything else here has made up for it. the drive here was torture though.
john boy is coming down to florida in a week for a week. what a plan. i have yet to figure out if we'll end that visit fighting or crying. hopefully neither? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
spudanne's journal